1 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,820 [cheering and applause] 2 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,122 Hey, hey. 3 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,665 Hey, are you all right? 4 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,954 [cheering and applause] 5 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,922 21. 6 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:05,059 It's lovely to see you, although I can't hardly see you. You're in the dark. 7 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:08,812 It's nice to be... I got the best compliment the other night. 8 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:13,480 I came out and I came down to the front of this theatre here, 9 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:16,194 and I was on the other side of the street, 10 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:19,827 where all the buses come round, and a taxi came. 11 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:25,083 I had a tartan coat on, my little Vivienne Westwood number that I wear. 12 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:29,624 You can't hide the profits for ever. 13 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,838 [laughter and applause] 14 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:40,673 And I flagged him down and I got in and he said, 15 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:44,060 "Jesus Christ, it's Billy Connolly." I said, "Yeah, yeah." 16 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:48,018 He said, "I thought I was picking up a big blonde." 17 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,273 [laughter] 18 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:56,197 Never did I think I would be accused of that. 19 00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:00,743 But I'll tell you what, you're a good-looking mob. 20 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:03,119 I saw you when I was driving in. 21 00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:07,371 I always have a wee look at you, you can't see me, as I drive round. 22 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:11,208 You all look and see if you've got your tickets. You're all going like this. 23 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:14,043 Come peering round. And it's a joy. 24 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:17,881 And I'll tell you a thing that I'm very, very proud of. 25 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:22,470 You see, there's a fear that your audience gets older with you. 26 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:27,888 There's a terror that as you get older, your audience is getting older as well. 27 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,727 You're getting grey, they're getting grey, you get white. 28 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:35,020 You come in and they're all looking the same as you. 29 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:40,400 And then... And then they start to get fewer and fewer. 30 00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,659 [laughter] 31 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:46,914 It ends up you're on first-name terms with half of them. 32 00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,917 Hello, Bobby. Happy birthday. 33 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:54,752 Aye. Thanks for that wee note. Aye, I saw you... 34 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:58,919 Fuck that. The last time I performed was quite a while ago, 35 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,508 up in Scotland earlier this year. 36 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,265 I did a Scottish tour and it was fantastic. 37 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:09,429 I did the SECC in Glasgow, which is next to the River Clyde. 38 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:13,440 I wish I could tell you what SECC meant. I've no fucking idea. 39 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:18,646 The SECC, and it's... They call it the Armadillo. 40 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:23,364 'Cause it kind of looks like one, if you've never fucking seen an armadillo. 41 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:29,283 And it looks a wee bit like the Sydney Opera House from a distance, yeah. 42 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,705 - Like the moon. - [laughter] 43 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:39,125 Do you know what my grandson calls it? The Croissant. 44 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:43,637 I think it looks more like a croissant than it does an armadillo. 45 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:47,971 And I think he lives far too close to the fucking West End, you know. 46 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:52,643 I didn't know what a croissant was till I was about 35. 47 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:55,934 I thought it was a broken sandwich. Hey, you've fucking... 48 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,902 You've sat on this sandwich. There's something wrong with it. 49 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:02,815 It's all folded up and bent. Somebody's had a fucking sit on it. 50 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:07,658 So... But anyhow, what I was trying to tell you in the first place 51 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:12,997 about you looking like a decent audience, you see, now... 52 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:18,131 The Armadillo's here, the River Clyde's here, where I was performing. 53 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,713 There's another big theatre behind it 54 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:25,846 where the big rock bands, the Stones and everybody, play. 55 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:29,134 But the SECC where I was playing is about this size. 56 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:33,012 Maybe a little smaller, not much smaller, 57 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,978 and then there's the big dust... it looks like a dustbin, 58 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,893 it's kind of corrugated like a dustbin, where all the... 59 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:43,405 [imitates heavy rock] ..all that goes on, so... 60 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:44,940 Now, you can get... 61 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:50,872 It's all in what looks like an industrial estate, 62 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:55,205 the way they do everything now, the way the fucking town planners 63 00:04:55,378 --> 00:05:01,590 and all those shithead civil servanty wankers 64 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,549 who are always... these people who are looking for power, 65 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,886 they always end up doing things like that, they always plan your town. 66 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:13,223 Towns aren't supposed to be fucking planned! 67 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:16,684 London wasn't planned! It's organic. 68 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,020 It fucking happens. It grows. 69 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,901 That's why it's interesting. 70 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:25,110 Look at planned fucking towns. Ugh. 71 00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:28,071 Now... So that's what they do, anyway. 72 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:33,285 I was gonna get onto something and I fucking forgot what it was. So... 73 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:36,371 It's true. It's fucking true. 74 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,835 Anyway, what am I fucking talking about? 75 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:42,464 Oh, yes! So now... now you need... 76 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:47,253 To get to the gig, you need a GPS system in your car. 77 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,422 You need fucking satellite tracking system 78 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,343 'cause the streets down there don't have names any more. 79 00:05:54,563 --> 00:06:00,104 There's just fucking SECC, ning, ning, ning, nay. 80 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:04,487 And you programme in the numbers and your car takes you there. 81 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:08,445 What the fuck is that?! What kind of world is that? 82 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,952 The world's fucked! The world's fucked! 83 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:16,116 The whole thing's a huge fucking plot. 84 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,703 You're gonna get up one morning, all the signs turned the other way, 85 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,622 and you won't know where the fuck to go. 86 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,710 It'll be in a different language. 87 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:29,345 Now, I'm performing at the Armadillo there, in Glasgow. 88 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:32,131 The Clyde's here, the Armadillo's there. 89 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:36,018 And if you use your GPS, you get to come round the side here, 90 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:42,809 past the big rock and roll venue on the way to mine, and I see my crowd. 91 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,650 Remember I was telling you about the audience getting old? 92 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,942 I see the crowd going in across the road. They're all fucking like this. 93 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,159 [laughter] 94 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,865 You know that hip number? That... 95 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:05,376 Sometimes two of them hanging on like that. 96 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:07,666 Like a three-legged race. 97 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,884 And some of those ones who have got that leg thing 98 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:15,925 that guys in car parks have got. 99 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,726 Hey! 100 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,012 [laughter] 101 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,063 Hey, you cannae park there! 102 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,352 [laughter] 103 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:32,820 You cannae leave it stuck out like that, for fuck's sake! 104 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:38,410 Who the fuck d'you think you are? Good mind to phone the police. 105 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,372 That brother of mine sees you, he'll get 'em out. 106 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:48,916 They were all crowding across. I said, "Fuck. Is that my audience?" 107 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,423 - It was Cliff Richard's audience. - [laughter] 108 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,888 He was at the big place. 109 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:02,726 ♪ Come on, little baby Let's a-move it and a-groove it 110 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,692 I like Cliff Richard very much. 111 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:10,729 He's a nice man. He isn't one of your holy fucking willies. 112 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:14,241 You know how he's got that name for being a Christian and all that, 113 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,527 and I'm not keen on Christians. 114 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:22,287 When you meet a Christian, you can never find a fucking lion. 115 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,576 [laughter] 116 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,086 I just... 117 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,967 Do you believe in the Church? 118 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:37,257 Fuck off and mind your own fucking business. 119 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,641 They're all wankers! 120 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,099 They're all wankers or wallies. Every fucking one of them. 121 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,933 I just did a British tour. Holy Mother of Jesus. 122 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:52,271 We had a Range Rover and it had its own GPS system 123 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,282 with this posh fucking woman in it. 124 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,574 This... this... this bitch! 125 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:04,621 This stuck-up, upper middle-class fucking bitch. 126 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:12,083 And she kept saying things like, "Turn left soon." 127 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:17,550 What's that supposed to mean? 128 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:21,058 Soon? What, in a fortnight? 129 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:27,974 Tomorrow? Quarter of an hour? What d'you mean, soon? 130 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,313 Five minutes? 131 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:33,354 What the fuck... And another thing. 132 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,273 "In a third of a mile..." 133 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:40,027 Do you know what a third of a mile looks like? 134 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:44,824 I haven't a fucking clue what a third of a mile looks like. 135 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,917 Stupid fucking bitch. 136 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,125 [laughter] 137 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:54,500 D'you know another thing she said, this woman on my GPS? 138 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,510 She didn't call a roundabout a roundabout. 139 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,341 A traffic circle. 140 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,632 [laughter] 141 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:07,054 At the traffic circ... What the fuck... Where d'you come from? 142 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:12,105 Fucking traffic c... It's like a country dance, isn't it? 143 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,903 ♪ We're all in a traffic circle now 144 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:18,156 ♪ Let's form into a traffic circle 145 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:20,988 ♪ Take your partner by the hand ♪ 146 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:25,076 What the... Fucking traffic circle. 147 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:28,743 And then if you don't do what she tells you, she goes in a huff. 148 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,036 [laughter] 149 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:39,048 Wait till you hear this. This is the truth you're getting here. 150 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:46,181 If you don't do what she tells you, which is quite easy, 151 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,267 like she'll say, 152 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,729 "Take the second exit at the next traffic circle." 153 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,772 So you come up to a roundabout, 154 00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:01,362 you don't know whether to take the first... count the first one, 155 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:05,909 'cause it isn't an exit, it's just one way coming this way. 156 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:09,074 You can't exit that way. You would kill yourself. 157 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,914 You'd be in a head-on collision with somebody. 158 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,456 So you say, "Well, this must be the first exit 159 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,250 'cause I can't exit in that one." 160 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:21,136 Wrong. She has counted that one. 161 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,219 Stupid bitch! She's counted that one. 162 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,092 'Cause she's not driving. She can't crash. 163 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,932 She doesn't give a fuck what happens to you. 164 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,267 [laughter] 165 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,978 She's in the fucking wee black box. 166 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,690 Safe as fucking houses. 167 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,074 It's the same as when aeroplanes crash into the sea 168 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,576 and they say, "We're searching for the black box." 169 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,993 And they always find it. It's in fucking mint condition. 170 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,578 And you've gotta say, 171 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:54,374 "Why don't they make aeroplanes out the same fucking stuff 172 00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,500 as they make the black box?" 173 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,790 [laughter and applause] 174 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,050 So... 175 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:09,177 I take what she says at her word, 176 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:13,598 I take the third exit or whatever it is, one of them not being an exit. 177 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:17,021 - It's an in-xit. - [laughter] 178 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:21,814 And, of course, she has counted it as an exit, so I'm completely wrong, 179 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:26,360 and it's the middle of the night and we've ended up in an industrial estate. 180 00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:29,154 We've driven into hell. 181 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:32,165 Help! Help! 182 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,873 Where are you, you fucking bitch?! Where are you?! 183 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,414 Where are we?! 184 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:42,835 Not a sound. She's giving us the silent treatment. 185 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,047 [laughter] 186 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:51,970 By sheer mistake, we manage to get back to the original roundabout. 187 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,181 She comes back on. 188 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:59,022 "At the third exit, maybe you'll do as you're told this time." 189 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,936 Fuck. 190 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,487 But wait till I tell you. 191 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:07,652 We left Blackpool, had a lovely gig at the Opera House, 192 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,700 left the following day, went to Liverpool. 193 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:12,955 - Now... - [raucous cheering] 194 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,749 [laughter] 195 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,035 Now, Liverpool... 196 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,713 It's gonna be a long night. 197 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,003 [laughter] 198 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:35,764 Now, Liverpool was getting ready for the Year of Culture, the Year of Culture, 199 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,602 and so it was ripping the place up. 200 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:41,564 It looked as if they'd rolled it up and sold it to Zambia. 201 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:45,106 So the place was just... 202 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:49,402 Roundabouts where there wasn't roundabouts before. 203 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:53,163 You know those roundabouts that workmen just make? 204 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:58,460 They're just like oil drums joined with planks of wood, you know? 205 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:02,247 So she wouldn't come on, "At the traffic circle..." 206 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:07,920 'Cause she has a certain standard, below which she won't budge. 207 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:12,261 Times may change, but standards must remain. 208 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,393 That's not a traffic circle in my book. 209 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:20,311 So, we're going, "Where the fuck are we? Help!" So I'm trundling along... 210 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,898 And it's awful where you're flying through the one-way system 211 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,737 and you see a sign, town centre. 212 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,027 Oh, great. Whoosh! 213 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,943 So we pull off into a wee housing estate. 214 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:36,286 There's a man with a van selling cakes and doughnuts and shit 215 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,166 from the back of this van. 216 00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,623 And, "Ah, hello, Bill. How are you doing?" 217 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,129 I said, "Hello, man. I'm lost. I'm looking..." 218 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:47,668 Now, I can't remember if it was the Prince's Hotel, Queen Square 219 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:50,257 or the Queen's Hotel, Prince's Square. 220 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:54,634 Something along those lines. So I said, "Look, I'm really stuck here." 221 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,973 "I've been on this fucking one-way system." 222 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,807 "I'm going off my fucking head." 223 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,815 "I'm completely lost, I'm starving and I'm going round and round." 224 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:06,853 I said, "If you could just point to roughly where it is." 225 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:10,695 "Point with the whole hand. Just go, 'lt's over there, Bill." 226 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:14,327 This is a thing you'll find as you get older you'll do more of. 227 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:18,081 You stop being precise. You don't go, "It's over there." 228 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:21,000 You'll go, "It's over..." The whole hand. 229 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:25,001 It's over there. And then if you're Glaswegian, 230 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,383 you'll give that up after a while and start pointing with your feet. 231 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:31,170 Aye, it's over there. 232 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,509 [laughter] 233 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,558 Where's Central Station? 234 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,516 It's first left, second right and then it's over there like that. 235 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,940 So... 236 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:51,197 There's certain things you have to know about asking directions. 237 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:57,033 There are three lies that you must keep your eye open for. 238 00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,415 The first lie is: it's easy. 239 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,955 No, it isn't. 240 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:07,589 If you say, "How do you get to..." blah, blah, blah, 241 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,920 and they say, "Oh, it's easy," 242 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:13,587 no, it fucking isn't, it's very, very difficult. 243 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:19,388 The second lie to look out for is: you can't miss it. 244 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,724 [laughter] 245 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:25,016 Yes, you can. 246 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,643 You can miss it so many times 247 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:32,447 that you never ever find it in your whole life. 248 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:36,406 You may set off to find it, not find it, 249 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,695 and then just get on with your life 250 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:41,786 and give up fucking looking for it altogether. 251 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,075 It can be a life-changing event. 252 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,245 The other one to look for is a dodgy one, 253 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:53,089 when they say, "And as soon as you're past the roundabout, turn right." 254 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:57,589 And you say, "That's your left hand you're holding out." 255 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:05,814 "Well, anyway, do that." 256 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,982 These are the things to look for. Now, this man, he said, 257 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,897 "Bill, it's easy." 258 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,025 I went, "Uh-oh." 259 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,657 "You can't fucking miss it." Ding-ding! 260 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,874 "Get on the one-way system." 261 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:29,129 I said, "I've just come off the one-way system. It's impenetrable." 262 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:34,634 "Bill, trust me. Go on the one-way going left as soon as you leave here." 263 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:38,138 "It'll whisk you round to the right down past... you know the Liver Building?" 264 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,014 "Aye, I do." 265 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:44,018 "You'll get there. Whisk up to the right. You'll go up a hill." 266 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,976 "At the top of the hill, there's a roundabout." 267 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,641 "On the roundabout, there's a big sign." 268 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:55,405 "Follow the sign for the tunnel, but don't go in the tunnel." 269 00:17:55,616 --> 00:18:00,156 "And when you think you should be turning right, turn left." 270 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,366 [laughter] 271 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,999 "Thanks very much," I said. 272 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:13,506 "You can't miss it." "I'm sure you're fucking right." 273 00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,052 And off we went. 274 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:21,055 Hopelessly lost within seconds. 275 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:30,691 We come down a street, one of these streets you hardly see any more. 276 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,694 City-centre street where it's a kind of dell. 277 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:38,232 You come into the street and it plunges downhill. 278 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,899 And at the bottom of the hill, 279 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:45,447 you find the railway goes across at right angles, a railway bridge. 280 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,749 So the street goes under a tunnel. 281 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,035 If you go down into the tunnel, 282 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:56,299 you're just whisked whatever way the tunnel wants to take you. 283 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,626 There'll be no turning round here 284 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:01,213 if you make that decision, you know what I mean? 285 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:06,226 So we're halfway down and I say, "Stop, stop." 286 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:09,103 Because there's a building on the corner, 287 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:12,891 a building that looked like maybe a bank or insurance company 288 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,061 or a trading company, big pillars. 289 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:21,984 And there were three big fat... three big girls coming out. 290 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:28,620 Big fat lasses, big... Not... not obese. 291 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:32,912 But no stranger to a fucking Mars bar, you know what I mean? 292 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,545 [laughter] 293 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,008 They'd been on the Mars bar diet, these three. 294 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:43,422 But they were doing it wrong. They were eating the Mars bar. 295 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:47,843 You're supposed to stick it up your arse and get a Rottweiler to chase you home. 296 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,476 [laughter] 297 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,763 Now... 298 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,319 These were girls with slow metabolisms. 299 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:03,983 [laughter] 300 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,616 And fucking fast appetites. 301 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,827 [laughter] 302 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:20,258 So... But they were nice, big, well-fed lasses. 303 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,472 And I said, "Hello, ladies." 304 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,976 "Ah, Bill." They recognised me. I went, "Hello. How you doing?" 305 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:33,138 "I'm fucking lost here. I'm looking for..." 306 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,558 I told them the Prince's Square, the Queen's thing, 307 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,977 Queen's Square, Prince's thing, whatever it was. 308 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,647 I knew at the time, but it's lost on me now. 309 00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:44,486 And then she said it. 310 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:49,405 I swear, and I have a witness. My manager is my witness. 311 00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,660 She said, 312 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,872 "I don't think you can get there from here." 313 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,080 [laughter] 314 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,012 What? 315 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:11,726 As if we'd fucking slipped into a parallel universe here. 316 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,936 We're gonna have to be air-lifted into the gig. 317 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,611 I cannae get there from here. 318 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:30,529 Jesus Christ al-bloody-mighty. So I said, "I'll just try and find it." 319 00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:35,576 And off we drove into the heart of Liverpool, 320 00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:40,418 whereupon I saw a taxi rank and I said to my manager, 321 00:21:40,591 --> 00:21:42,707 "Stop here. We'll get a taxi." 322 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:47,220 "We'll give him a few bob and say 'Take us there' and we'll follow him." 323 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,721 "Just drive there' and we'll follow him." 324 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:53,260 Which I have done in the past. I did it in Dundee on the Scottish tour. 325 00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:56,725 I was fucking hopelessly... They're doing it to every town. 326 00:21:56,899 --> 00:22:00,267 Watch out for this. They're fucking the whole world up. 327 00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:04,278 You cannae work your telly, your phone's fucked, you can't phone for help. 328 00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:09,409 Nick, nick, nick, nick. Brr, brr. You get some prick in Calcutta. 329 00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:12,366 - [Indian accent] "What the problem?" - [laughter] 330 00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:17,834 Get the fuck... My telly won't fucking work. 331 00:22:19,922 --> 00:22:23,756 I was in Ireland, I was in Dublin, and I... 332 00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:26,088 - [whooping] - Oh, shut the fuck up. 333 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:27,752 [laughter] 334 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:33,175 If I'm gonna get a cheer for every time I mention a town or a building... 335 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,470 I could have brought myself a road map. Why bother? 336 00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:41,816 Read out the fucking atlas and bring the house down. 337 00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:44,569 - Now... - [applause] 338 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,442 Let's hear it for Motherwell! Hey! 339 00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:53,828 Basingstoke! Yeah! 340 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:54,988 Anyway... 341 00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,282 I was in Dublin 342 00:22:57,626 --> 00:23:01,460 and I was in this theatre, the Gaiety Theatre in Dublin. 343 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,497 When I came on from this side there... 344 00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:08,794 Now, I don't believe in ghosts. 345 00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:12,631 I don't believe in anything supernatural. 346 00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:14,640 I don't believe in gods. 347 00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:16,517 I don't believe in angels. 348 00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:19,975 I don't believe in "Whoooo!" 349 00:23:20,149 --> 00:23:23,483 Fucking crap, in my opinion. 350 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,064 Shite. Right? 351 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,773 It's all there to frighten the fucking working class. 352 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:34,035 "Oh, you behave yourself or the big whooo....." 353 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:38,744 And I particularly hate middle-class fucking idiot women on television 354 00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:41,417 saying, "I've got a guardian angel that looks after me, 355 00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:45,672 my own personal guardian angel, yes, looks after me, always..." 356 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,502 "And I wear this little angel brooch 357 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:51,340 and the wee angel, no matter what happens, the angel always looks down..." 358 00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:54,005 Fuck you, pretentious bitch! 359 00:23:54,183 --> 00:23:56,299 [laughter] 360 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:00,804 - Go to Newcastle... - [cheering] 361 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:02,522 Oh, fuck off! 362 00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:04,728 [laughter and applause] 363 00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:12,315 Go to Newcastle, Liverpool, Glasgow, the East End of London, 364 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:16,365 any working-class place, and it's November, 365 00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:20,031 and the sleet's going fucking horizontal, 366 00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:22,667 and there's a wee woman coming from Tesco 367 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:27,380 with two fucking plastic bags biting into her fucking fingers 368 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,712 as she makes her way up the hill to make her man's dinner. 369 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:36,052 Ask her if she believes in angels. She'll tell you to fuck off! 370 00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,886 [laughter] 371 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:44,056 So... I came down, I came wandering... There was nothing happening upstairs. 372 00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:47,396 And I said, "What's happening?" I came wandering down. 373 00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:51,400 And there was a man sitting at a desk. 374 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:56,151 A man with a moustache. I can see him like it was yesterday. 375 00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:59,408 I said, "How you doing?" He said, "Fine." 376 00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:02,243 "I don't always come in," he says. 377 00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:06,127 I said, "Aye. Fair enough." [mumbles] Like I give a fuck. 378 00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:09,755 And I said, "How is it out there?" 379 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:14,795 That's here. Meaning how many... Is it full yet? 380 00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:17,634 And he says, "It's fine." 381 00:25:18,684 --> 00:25:22,973 And I said, "Great. I'll just go on, then." 382 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:27,812 The place was like two thirds full, people are pouring in 383 00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,942 and there's a fight happening here. 384 00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:32,103 [laughter] 385 00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:39,779 About six rows up, in SN, there's a man there trying to hit the man in here. 386 00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:44,574 And he's calling him a gobshite. [Irish accent] "You fucking gobshite!" 387 00:25:44,752 --> 00:25:47,585 "You fucking gobshite!" 388 00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:52,965 "Fucking bejesus!" And stuff like that. 389 00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:56,635 This was half-man, half-beetroot. 390 00:25:56,805 --> 00:25:59,092 [laughter] 391 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,975 Fucking monster. 392 00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:07,354 Covered in tweed and woolly clothes. 393 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,309 "You fucking gobshite!" 394 00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:13,649 Biff! Boff! 395 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:18,191 Punching this man, but not punching him, 396 00:26:18,368 --> 00:26:24,284 because the man was ducking and his girlfriend was copping all the punching. 397 00:26:25,459 --> 00:26:28,827 And she wasn't enjoying it one little bit. 398 00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:32,338 The way I used to do with my sister 399 00:26:32,508 --> 00:26:35,876 when my father would come in and whack us in bed. 400 00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:38,385 I would hide behind my sister. 401 00:26:38,555 --> 00:26:42,890 She would get whacked and I'd go, "Oh! Aagh! Oh!" 402 00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:47,015 You see, when I was a child, it was considered very healthy 403 00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:51,353 to beat the shit out of your children on a regular basis. 404 00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:57,856 You can still see it today if you go to any British holiday resort... 405 00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,194 [laughter] 406 00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:02,861 ..and watch them walking along the promenade, hitting... 407 00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:06,747 "What'd I tell you about that? Get that fucking... Get in." 408 00:27:06,917 --> 00:27:09,033 "Get your fucking..." 409 00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:12,544 They're all eating. Everybody's eating. 410 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:22,339 Well, I've come out of here... 411 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:24,306 [laughter] 412 00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:28,974 Mr Beetroot with the tweed suit 413 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:33,228 is trying to beat seven colours of shit out of this poor innocent man 414 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:36,565 and his poor benighted wife, or girlfriend, 415 00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,900 who's being punched in the top of the head, 416 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,566 much to her deep unhappiness. 417 00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:45,903 The bouncers are up at the back going, "Go on." 418 00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:48,914 [Irish accent] "Fuck that. Fuck it. You fucking go." 419 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:53,749 "I'm not fucking... Jesus fucking... I'm not fucking going down there." 420 00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:57,131 "You'll get the fucking face punched off of me." 421 00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:00,710 So it's up to me. 422 00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:05,927 So I say, "Hey, hey, hey! What's the story here, big man?" 423 00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:10,470 As it turns out, he's quite a nice big guy, big tweedy man. 424 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:15,270 He says... And the story unfolds. 425 00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:20,985 He had tickets for my show and he had them in his car, 426 00:28:21,158 --> 00:28:24,446 in the glove compartment. looking forward for weeks, 427 00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:29,410 opening it and looking at them, going, "Fucking won't be long now." 428 00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:33,622 - Somebody stole his car. - [laughter] 429 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:40,508 He had jotted the numbers of the seats down in a wee book. 430 00:28:41,803 --> 00:28:46,798 "I know what I'll do. I'll go in and beat the shit out of the..." 431 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:48,841 "They'll be in my seats." 432 00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:52,808 "I'll go in and batter the shit out of the gobshite." 433 00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:58,985 So this guy's sitting, waiting for Billy Connolly, 434 00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:01,612 gets a fucking punch in the face. 435 00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:06,484 The man's got fists like fucking hams. 436 00:29:06,662 --> 00:29:08,994 Boof! 437 00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:15,536 As it turned out, the guy who was being... set upon 438 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,828 had bought the tickets in a pub... 439 00:29:19,341 --> 00:29:21,799 [laughter] 440 00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:25,886 ..from the guys who fucking stole it. 441 00:29:26,056 --> 00:29:28,172 [laughter] 442 00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:35,346 Oh! And, do you know, the funniest thing about that, 443 00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,186 when I tell anybody that story, 444 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,694 when I say he had his tickets in the glove compartment, 445 00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:47,233 have you ever, ever seen a car 446 00:29:47,411 --> 00:29:49,698 with gloves in the glove compartment? 447 00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:51,987 [laughter] 448 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,790 I've never... 449 00:29:55,002 --> 00:30:00,042 I think all cars should come with a pair of fucking gloves in there. 450 00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:04,459 It's only right and decent, in my honest opinion. 451 00:30:04,678 --> 00:30:06,715 So... 452 00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:08,713 We get to... 453 00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:10,510 Oh, God. 454 00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:15,724 - We got to Cardiff. - [cheering] 455 00:30:19,109 --> 00:30:21,396 Cardiff's a lovely place. 456 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:24,562 It used to be kind of dark, if I remember right. 457 00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:29,405 The times I went, it was always dark and kind of rainy and dark and strange. 458 00:30:29,578 --> 00:30:32,912 I always kind of liked it, but... Now it's kind of bright. 459 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:36,915 It's like Glasgow, it looks as if they learned how to use the sunroof. 460 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:38,917 You know... 461 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:41,419 It's all fucking bright all of a sudden. 462 00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:43,581 And there's a big nice hotel down on the water. 463 00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:46,592 There's ducks in the thing and a blah-da-da-da 464 00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:48,799 and a fa-na-na-na. 465 00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:53,136 So I'm getting ready for the gig at the Millennium Theatre, 466 00:30:53,310 --> 00:30:56,018 which is a lovely sensation. 467 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:59,806 That's what it is, it's a fucking sensational theatre. 468 00:30:59,983 --> 00:31:05,149 And so I'm in the shower in the hotel, 469 00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:07,609 and the shower has a speaker 470 00:31:07,783 --> 00:31:11,117 so you can listen to the radio or whatever you care to do. 471 00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:13,744 I'm sure you can do other clever things with it 472 00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:17,456 if you've got three fucking remotes that you know how to work. 473 00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:26,466 Knowing me, the fucking fridge door would be opening and shutting like that 474 00:31:26,635 --> 00:31:28,797 and nothing would be on the thing. 475 00:31:29,513 --> 00:31:32,881 So I managed to get Radio 4, 476 00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:35,307 which is my favourite of all anyway. 477 00:31:35,477 --> 00:31:38,970 I don't care to listen to Kylie Minogue all fucking day. 478 00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:43,186 So I like to listen to Radio 4 and Desert Island Discs 479 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:46,819 and Down Your Way and all those lovely... Woman's Hour. 480 00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:50,356 I'm always... That's what I've got on in the car all the time. 481 00:31:50,534 --> 00:31:52,320 Blah, blah, blah. So I'm washing away. 482 00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:58,661 Now, Radio 4 has a lot of very sincere people on it. Deeply sin... 483 00:31:58,834 --> 00:32:01,292 Some of them are not all that smooth 484 00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:04,788 or professional, you know, professionalism, 485 00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,880 but they tend to have a lot of people 486 00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:13,217 who know lots and lots about small things, you know. 487 00:32:13,390 --> 00:32:17,349 Somebody'll be an expert on the pine trees of Nicaragua or something 488 00:32:17,519 --> 00:32:20,432 and can fucking go on for days about it. 489 00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,893 And I find people like that consummately interesting. 490 00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:29,187 So I'm in the... I'm washing away, getting the old scrub-a-dub 491 00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,698 and I'm listening, and there's a woman and she's talking about Peru... 492 00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:35,656 - [man cheers] - ..and about Peruv... 493 00:32:35,829 --> 00:32:38,912 There had to be a fucking Peruvian in the room. 494 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,198 [laughter] 495 00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:49,039 Did you lose your Zambian pal? He's up there. 496 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:50,207 [laughter] 497 00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:54,253 So she... She's in... 498 00:32:56,266 --> 00:32:59,930 She's interested... Peru... Peruvian... 499 00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:05,727 Peruvian music. And she's playing this music. It's all that flutey... 500 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:07,767 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 501 00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:09,935 ♪ Fooey, foo-foo, foo, foo-foo 502 00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:11,899 ♪ Foo, foo, foo-foo, foo 503 00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:13,939 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 504 00:33:14,117 --> 00:33:15,573 ♪ Foo, foo, foo, foo, foo 505 00:33:15,744 --> 00:33:17,576 ♪ Foo, fooey, foo-foo, foo 506 00:33:17,746 --> 00:33:20,113 I'm giving it... ♪ Foo, foo, foo, foo, foo 507 00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:21,951 ♪ Foo-foo, foo-foo, foo, foo-foo 508 00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:24,082 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 509 00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:28,587 I'm just going, ♪ Foo-foo, foo, foo, foo-foo, foo 510 00:33:28,757 --> 00:33:31,590 And it ends... f Foo ♪ 511 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:37,133 And she... she comes on and she says, 512 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:41,301 "Oh, how I love the Wankia music." 513 00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:42,593 [laughter] 514 00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:44,603 The what?! 515 00:33:47,609 --> 00:33:51,944 I swear, Wankia music. 516 00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:54,150 Now... 517 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,149 You can... 518 00:33:57,327 --> 00:34:01,787 You can probably Google it, but I don't know how you spell it, 519 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:06,667 because I was... I was listening on the radio, you know. 520 00:34:06,836 --> 00:34:10,625 I doubt if it's W-A-N-K-I-A. 521 00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:13,962 It's probably that South American ♪ number. 522 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:19,380 J-U-A-N-C-I-L-L-A or something. Juancilla. 523 00:34:19,599 --> 00:34:23,092 "Oh," she says, "how I love the Wankia music of Peru." 524 00:34:23,228 --> 00:34:25,640 "It's... It's so evocative." 525 00:34:25,814 --> 00:34:29,808 "Here's some Wankia wedding music." 526 00:34:29,985 --> 00:34:32,022 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 527 00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:33,651 ♪ Foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 528 00:34:33,822 --> 00:34:36,314 ♪ Foo-foo, foo, foo, foo-foo, foo 529 00:34:36,491 --> 00:34:37,856 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo 530 00:34:38,034 --> 00:34:40,071 ♪ Foo-foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 531 00:34:40,287 --> 00:34:41,573 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo 532 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:46,331 ♪ Foo-foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 533 00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:47,866 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo 534 00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:51,412 ♪ Foo, fee-fee, fee-fee, foo ♪ 535 00:34:51,590 --> 00:34:55,003 Couldn't you just see the wedding? 536 00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:59,295 No, I'm saying. Couldnae see a fucking thing. 537 00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:03,682 And then she said, "Here's a special favourite of mine." 538 00:35:03,852 --> 00:35:07,595 "This is the music to celebrate the birth of a first-born son." 539 00:35:07,814 --> 00:35:10,055 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, foo 540 00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,850 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo-foo, fee... 541 00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:16,774 ♪ Foo, foo, foo 542 00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:19,857 Has that pipe only got one fucking hole in it? 543 00:35:20,035 --> 00:35:21,275 ♪ Foo, foo-foo, foo 544 00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:23,990 ♪ Foo-foo, foo-foo, foo, foo 545 00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:28,040 The range seems somewhat limited here. 546 00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:31,747 ♪ Foo-foo, foo, foo-foo, foo-fee, foo 547 00:35:34,341 --> 00:35:36,048 And then she says it. 548 00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:41,553 With my hand on my heart, I swear, on my grandchildren's life, 549 00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:45,887 she says, "Oh, how I love Wankia music." 550 00:35:47,062 --> 00:35:51,556 "The music of the Wanka people of Peru." 551 00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,770 [laughter] 552 00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:06,242 I nearly fell on my arse in the shower. And then she goes on about it. 553 00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:10,874 Apparently they're quite closely related to the Incas. 554 00:36:11,044 --> 00:36:13,376 There was the Incas and the Wankas. 555 00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,621 [laughter] 556 00:36:15,799 --> 00:36:17,585 I've heard a lot about the Incas... 557 00:36:17,759 --> 00:36:19,796 [laughter] 558 00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:29,760 You don't hear much about the Wankas, do you? 559 00:36:29,938 --> 00:36:31,975 [laughter] 560 00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:40,980 Nobody ever wonders why the Wankas went extinct. 561 00:36:41,157 --> 00:36:44,115 [laughter] 562 00:36:51,793 --> 00:36:54,626 That's one of the easier questions ina quiz. 563 00:37:00,969 --> 00:37:02,835 Oh, God. 564 00:37:03,012 --> 00:37:05,470 And I've heard a lot of people say, 565 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:10,635 "Yes, I'm descended from the Incas, you know." 566 00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:19,815 Not one person, not one in my whole life, 567 00:37:19,988 --> 00:37:22,525 and I have lived some considerable time, 568 00:37:22,699 --> 00:37:28,035 not one person has ever said, "I'm descended from a long line of Wankas." 569 00:37:28,204 --> 00:37:29,660 [laughter] 570 00:37:29,831 --> 00:37:34,541 I think you'll usually find that's hurled as an insult at people. 571 00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:38,333 You're a wanker, like your father before you! 572 00:37:39,549 --> 00:37:42,007 - Oh, God. - [man] Billy! 573 00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:45,670 Shut the fuck up. I'm on stage. Have you not noticed? 574 00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:47,963 [man shouts] 575 00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:53,510 Here's a wee hint. 576 00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,521 When your light goes out and mine comes on, it's my fucking turn. 577 00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,150 - Shut the fuck up. - [applause and cheering] 578 00:38:06,576 --> 00:38:10,365 I did a television show where I was in the Arctic years ago. 579 00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:14,623 Lenny Henry was up the Amazon 580 00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:17,376 and Joanna Lumley was on a desert island. 581 00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:20,583 I got the Arctic. They got fucking first choice. 582 00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:28,763 And I was camping out in the snow, and they used to drop me off in the morning. 583 00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:33,051 They dropped me off there and they would come in the morning to see... 584 00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:37,722 Incidentally, huskies fart like you've never fucking... 585 00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:39,389 Oh, my God. 586 00:38:40,777 --> 00:38:42,734 They eat seal meat. 587 00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:46,568 They live in the snow, eat frozen seal all day and they cannae hardly move. 588 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:49,574 Then they go, "Everybody out! Get them all chained up!" They're all running... 589 00:38:49,744 --> 00:38:52,452 [makes farting noises] 590 00:38:56,584 --> 00:39:00,168 Seal fart. Oh, God! 591 00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:09,757 And the television people would come and check up on me. 592 00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:13,640 We were a couple miles from the magnetic North Pole. 593 00:39:13,810 --> 00:39:17,644 And I had to make an igloo, and I made a right arse of it. 594 00:39:17,814 --> 00:39:20,932 And they gave me a... Quite clever thing to make, an igloo. 595 00:39:21,109 --> 00:39:24,602 You cannae just fucking have a go, you know, and I did and it fell down. 596 00:39:24,779 --> 00:39:31,617 But they gave me a video camera to look at interesting things. 597 00:39:31,786 --> 00:39:34,619 Now, I think if you're David Attenborough, 598 00:39:34,789 --> 00:39:37,281 there's plenty of interesting things to see. 599 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:40,621 But if you're me, there's a lot of fucking snow 600 00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:43,162 and pretty much nothing else. 601 00:39:43,339 --> 00:39:45,455 [laughter] 602 00:39:47,135 --> 00:39:51,129 And I would say this place abounds with wildlife. 603 00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:53,547 Unfortunately, they're all white. 604 00:39:53,766 --> 00:39:55,803 [laughter] 605 00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:01,517 So I'm skidding about with this, 606 00:40:01,691 --> 00:40:04,149 and they would come and see me in the morning, 607 00:40:04,319 --> 00:40:06,936 and I was getting smellier and smellier, 608 00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:09,654 and I was becoming very odd and strange. 609 00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:13,658 After about ten days... Because I was wearing a sealskin suit 610 00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:17,571 that this Eskimo woman made for me, and the smell! 611 00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:23,160 It was uncured and a sealskin smells like half-fish, half-meat. 612 00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:27,332 It was peculiar, but you get to like it. 613 00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:32,173 And I had a musk ox groundsheet, uncured. 614 00:40:32,347 --> 00:40:35,055 It smelled like dog shit. 615 00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:39,058 And then I didn't wash for all those days, so I was pretty high. 616 00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:42,721 And they would come up to see me in the morning, to see if I was still alive. 617 00:40:42,899 --> 00:40:46,767 They'd come up and they'd go, "Morning... Fucking whoa!" 618 00:40:46,945 --> 00:40:49,027 "Hello." 619 00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:51,655 And I had a gun to watch out for polar bears. 620 00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:55,033 I'll tell you this. You may or may not believe this. 621 00:40:55,203 --> 00:40:58,946 It's no business of mine whether you believe it or not. 622 00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:02,283 Polar bears... D'you know when a polar bear is sneaking up on you, 623 00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:04,209 he does that? 624 00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,245 [laughter] 625 00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:13,510 'Cause he knows his nose is black. 626 00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:15,720 [laughter] 627 00:41:22,563 --> 00:41:25,681 'Cause he knows if he didn't, you would say, 628 00:41:25,817 --> 00:41:28,730 "There's a fucking nose sneaking up on us, look." 629 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,985 [laughter] 630 00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:36,612 And there was an SAS guy looking after me. 631 00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:39,744 He was away down at the edge of the sea, miles away. 632 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:42,406 That's where the polar bears were going to come from 633 00:41:42,583 --> 00:41:45,245 if they were going to come at all, they would come from the sea. 634 00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:48,663 And he was down there. He was a dead-eye shot, you know. 635 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:53,255 Paddy, the SAS guy. A very funny and a delightful man. 636 00:41:53,428 --> 00:41:55,590 But he used to scare the shit out of me. 637 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:59,427 He used to phone me in the middle of the night. We had those walkie-talkies. 638 00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:02,262 "Billy..." He was an Irishman. 639 00:42:02,437 --> 00:42:04,804 He was from the Irish Guards. 640 00:42:04,981 --> 00:42:09,350 He'd go, "Are you there, Bill? Are you there, Billy?" 641 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:13,270 "Is that you, Paddy?" "Aye." "What is it? And he would go... 642 00:42:13,448 --> 00:42:15,485 [hums Teddy Bears' Picnic] 643 00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,774 [laughter] 644 00:42:26,044 --> 00:42:28,331 "You bastard!" 645 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:30,620 [laughter] 646 00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:35,501 Well, I was out one day 647 00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:39,888 with my video camera, looking for things, 648 00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:43,182 and I was showing various bits and things, 649 00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:48,973 and I saw an iceberg that looked like Jesus. 650 00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:50,857 I thought, "My God, look at that." 651 00:42:51,027 --> 00:42:54,520 If you've never seen an iceberg, they're beautiful. 652 00:42:54,697 --> 00:42:58,486 They're pale blue, baby blue, when the show's on them. 653 00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:04,325 If you take the snow off of them, they're crystal, like sapphire cryst... 654 00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:08,036 ..screaming blue crystal. 655 00:43:08,211 --> 00:43:10,999 It's fabulous colour. 656 00:43:11,172 --> 00:43:14,540 But when the snow is on them, there's pale baby blue. 657 00:43:14,717 --> 00:43:17,334 But it looked like Jesus, it looked like his face 658 00:43:17,512 --> 00:43:21,346 looking up just ahead on the snow, looking straight up. 659 00:43:21,516 --> 00:43:25,931 You could see the beard and the hair, the nose. It was quite remarkable. 660 00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:29,729 And I filmed it and we showed it on the programme, 661 00:43:29,899 --> 00:43:33,517 and every wanker and his Uncle Willy wrote in. 662 00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:39,531 "Can't you see, that's Jesus trying to get in touch with you?" 663 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,282 [laughter] 664 00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:44,695 No, it's not. It's a fucking iceberg. 665 00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:48,035 It's a big chunk of ice, you prick. 666 00:43:49,544 --> 00:43:51,876 And I thought they must have an awful low opinion. 667 00:43:52,046 --> 00:43:53,787 I thought they thought the guy was a god. 668 00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:57,959 If you're a believer and you think Jesus is a god 669 00:43:58,177 --> 00:44:02,421 and he's got something against me, Billy Connolly, 670 00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:05,590 you would think he'd be up in the Arctic watching me, 671 00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:09,227 going, "There's that Connolly prick." 672 00:44:09,397 --> 00:44:12,890 "I've always meant to have a word with him. Hang on a second." 673 00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,939 [laughter] 674 00:44:19,115 --> 00:44:22,449 "You Billy Connolly?" 675 00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:26,111 "Uh? Behave yourself, you prick." 676 00:44:27,582 --> 00:44:29,664 "O K?" 677 00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:38,082 "You won't know what fucking hit you, son." 678 00:44:38,259 --> 00:44:39,749 [laughter] 679 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:42,464 "Try to remember that." 680 00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,255 You know, you're a god. You can do what you like. 681 00:44:45,433 --> 00:44:48,266 I mean, if you're a god, you're hardly going to go, 682 00:44:48,436 --> 00:44:52,475 "Here's Connolly coming. Right, I'll pretend I'm an iceberg, right?" 683 00:44:52,648 --> 00:44:55,561 [laughter] 684 00:45:03,868 --> 00:45:05,609 I'll tell you something else. 685 00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:14,289 Where the gig was in Glasgow, the SECC and all that, 686 00:45:14,462 --> 00:45:18,501 my family have lived there for 140 years. 687 00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:24,169 Emigrated from the west of Ireland, west of Scotland, both starving, 688 00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,463 arrived in Glasgow and hardly moved, 689 00:45:26,641 --> 00:45:29,303 just arrived down at the Clyde and settled there, 690 00:45:29,477 --> 00:45:32,640 yards from the Clyde in tenement buildings. 691 00:45:32,813 --> 00:45:36,022 And my granny lived there when I was a wee boy. 692 00:45:36,192 --> 00:45:38,980 I was born there. 140 years we lived... 693 00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:42,316 You'd have loved my grandmother. She was a wonderful woman. 694 00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:46,324 And she lived just up in Finnieston Street beside that gig. 695 00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:50,658 And she was very brave. Have you ever wondered if you're brave? 696 00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,914 Especially men wonder if they're brave. 697 00:45:54,126 --> 00:45:57,209 'Cause we're brought up with all those books about Biggles and Tarzan 698 00:45:57,380 --> 00:45:59,838 and the Last of the Mohicans and all these. 699 00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,500 You always wonder if you're a brave guy like them. 700 00:46:03,678 --> 00:46:07,216 And I have been tried on this front 701 00:46:07,390 --> 00:46:10,974 and I've been found to be less than fucking brave. 702 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,843 But you always want to be one. 703 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,183 You hope that if you saw a child running in front of a bus, 704 00:46:16,357 --> 00:46:19,850 you'd go, "My God! A child running in front of a bus! Excuse me!" 705 00:46:22,321 --> 00:46:24,733 Shove him out the road. "Get out the road of the bus, son!" 706 00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:28,400 "Live your life! Live a full and happy life, son!" 707 00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:31,911 "I have had my life. Mine is over." 708 00:46:32,081 --> 00:46:36,416 "Or it will be as soon as this fucking thing runs over me." 709 00:46:36,585 --> 00:46:40,419 "I'll have the word Leyland backwards on my fucking forehead." 710 00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:44,878 "You'll be fine, but I'll be fucked. It'll be over for me." 711 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:50,138 "Live a good life and be a good man, son. All the best. Cheerio." 712 00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:52,675 You hope you're gonna be that kind of guy. 713 00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:57,221 But probably you're not, and I'm probably not, you know. 714 00:46:57,398 --> 00:47:03,735 We'd probably go, "My God! Look! There's a wee boy in front of a bus!" 715 00:47:03,904 --> 00:47:07,772 "For fuck's sake, are you just gonna stand there?" 716 00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,237 "The bus has run him over!" 717 00:47:10,411 --> 00:47:13,745 "Killed him flat as a fucking pancake!" 718 00:47:14,915 --> 00:47:18,078 "Nobody got a phone or anything?" 719 00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:22,462 "Phone a brave guy, get him to fucking..." 720 00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:27,717 Well, my granny, she... she was brave. 721 00:47:27,887 --> 00:47:30,845 In the 1950s, she was walking along Argyle Street, 722 00:47:31,015 --> 00:47:36,977 just up where the Armadillo is, with her shopping bag, 723 00:47:37,146 --> 00:47:41,936 traffic everywhere, tramcars, taxis, ambulance, whatever. 724 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:45,943 She went along, and a child ran onto the street. 725 00:47:46,113 --> 00:47:48,320 "My God. Look at that wain run into the street." 726 00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:53,827 She drops her bag, not a care for herself, rushes into the street. 727 00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:56,033 Beep, beep! "Fucking leave us alone!" 728 00:47:57,750 --> 00:48:02,335 Grabs the child under one arm. "Stupid little bugger." 729 00:48:02,505 --> 00:48:05,998 "Fucking leave me alone!" "Don't you fucking fight with me!" 730 00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:08,712 Onto the pavement. "Now behave yourself!" 731 00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:12,299 - And it was a wee man with a moustache. - [laughter] 732 00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:26,480 "Fucking behave yourself, missus." 733 00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:29,646 "Mind your own fucking business." 734 00:48:30,366 --> 00:48:34,155 Well, while I was there, 18 months, two years ago, 735 00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:36,365 I was in New Zealand at the time. 736 00:48:36,539 --> 00:48:39,452 - [cheering] - Oh... 737 00:48:40,042 --> 00:48:43,251 Enough. Enough. 738 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:47,543 And two submarines crashed in the North Atlantic. 739 00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:50,674 It wasn't serious. It was just "krrrr". 740 00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:54,338 A French one and a British one, both nuclear submarines. 741 00:48:54,515 --> 00:48:58,179 And it's easy to crash. It's so crowded, the North Atlantic. 742 00:48:58,352 --> 00:48:59,842 [laughter] 743 00:49:02,273 --> 00:49:06,232 How much do you think the detection equipment cost us 744 00:49:06,402 --> 00:49:08,814 to stop that fucking happening? 745 00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:13,611 How many billion did they vote 746 00:49:13,784 --> 00:49:17,027 to get that fucking fitted on them submarines? 747 00:49:17,204 --> 00:49:20,447 Doo-doo! Doo-doo! 748 00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:24,618 Doo-doo! Doo-doo! 749 00:49:25,713 --> 00:49:28,876 Doo-doo! Doo-doo! 750 00:49:29,717 --> 00:49:32,129 Krrr! What the fuck was that? 751 00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,051 [laughter] 752 00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:45,221 What the fuck was that? 753 00:49:46,734 --> 00:49:49,066 Somebody bumped into us, sir. 754 00:49:53,908 --> 00:49:56,149 How did that happen? 755 00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:58,575 I don't know. 756 00:49:58,746 --> 00:50:00,783 Doo-doo! 757 00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:07,793 How much do you think it'll cost to reinvent the whole... 758 00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:10,250 Apparently, because we're both part of 759 00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:15,669 the fucking European Common Market Commonwealth fucking club, 760 00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:20,598 we've both got the same equipment, rendering us both fucking invisible. 761 00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:22,805 [laughter] 762 00:50:25,606 --> 00:50:29,019 It never dawned on them. 763 00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:32,102 A phone call would have done it. 764 00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:35,772 "Where are you going this morning? Oh, we were gonna go there." 765 00:50:35,950 --> 00:50:37,736 [laughter] 766 00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:41,118 If you can work the phone, 767 00:50:41,288 --> 00:50:45,122 if the wankers from my hotel haven't been there first... 768 00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:47,329 [laughter] 769 00:50:50,798 --> 00:50:53,961 How many billion do you reckon it'll take to put it right? 770 00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:57,343 I could sort it for under a thousand. 771 00:50:58,222 --> 00:51:00,839 Under a fucking thousand. 772 00:51:01,016 --> 00:51:04,099 - A window. - [laughter] 773 00:51:04,270 --> 00:51:07,604 Put a window in the fucking thing. 774 00:51:07,773 --> 00:51:12,483 And sit a wee sailor who's not doing anything at the window. 775 00:51:12,653 --> 00:51:14,985 "Hey, you! You sit at the window." 776 00:51:15,990 --> 00:51:18,823 "You see anything coming, you tell me." 777 00:51:18,993 --> 00:51:21,075 "OK." 778 00:51:23,998 --> 00:51:26,035 [laughter] 779 00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:31,285 "Anything coming?" 780 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,548 "There's a submarine along here." 781 00:51:38,262 --> 00:51:40,469 "And I think it's French." 782 00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,173 "I can smell the garlic." 783 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:48,182 "Where's it coming from?" "It's coming from..." 784 00:51:48,355 --> 00:51:51,313 "OK, we'll turn this way, then." 785 00:51:51,442 --> 00:51:56,687 Problem solved! Where's the fucking problem?! 786 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,150 [laughter] 787 00:52:04,121 --> 00:52:09,241 Like I said, I was in New Zealand. It must have been early last year. 788 00:52:09,418 --> 00:52:11,500 You get confused with Australia and New Zealand 789 00:52:11,629 --> 00:52:13,870 'cause it's summertime there when it's winter here 790 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:16,415 and you think it's longer away than it was. 791 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:19,425 But I was down there and I was in my hotel room, 792 00:52:19,595 --> 00:52:22,428 and a wee chambermaid was there. 793 00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:25,386 I don't know if they still call them chambermaids 794 00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:30,429 because New Zealand is a very, very politically correct society. 795 00:52:30,606 --> 00:52:34,941 I don't know why. It's just very liberal and very upfront about all that shit. 796 00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:38,068 That was the first place I ever heard a manhole cover 797 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:42,072 being called a personhole cover, was in New Zealand. 798 00:52:42,242 --> 00:52:45,360 Person... Fucking person... It's not a personhole cover. 799 00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:47,282 It's a manhole cover. 800 00:52:47,456 --> 00:52:50,073 It's a cover that covers a hole 801 00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:53,242 that a man goes down 802 00:52:53,420 --> 00:52:56,503 to work in the sewerage department of the city. 803 00:52:56,715 --> 00:53:01,255 Up to his crotch in shite, and when a woman's prepared to do that, 804 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,760 she can change the name of the lid on the fucking hole, 805 00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:06,593 and not one second before. 806 00:53:06,767 --> 00:53:09,304 - So this wee... - [laughter and applause] 807 00:53:14,775 --> 00:53:15,981 So this wee chambermaid, 808 00:53:16,151 --> 00:53:18,984 who's probably a fucking pillowcase engineer or something... 809 00:53:19,154 --> 00:53:21,270 [laughter] 810 00:53:27,621 --> 00:53:30,613 ..and an absolute delightful wee woman... 811 00:53:34,294 --> 00:53:38,629 ..she says, "I saw you last night performing at Hamilton Town Hall." 812 00:53:38,799 --> 00:53:41,006 I said, "Did you? Did you enjoy yourself?" 813 00:53:41,176 --> 00:53:45,511 "Oh, what a laugh. What a..." 814 00:53:45,681 --> 00:53:47,763 "How d'you... So funny." 815 00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:50,516 I said, "But you're great at doing this." 816 00:53:50,686 --> 00:53:53,098 "I'm good at doing what I do, you're great at..." 817 00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:57,645 "There's nothing complicated about it." She said, "God, you make me laugh." 818 00:53:57,818 --> 00:54:00,480 And then do you remember I was telling you, people say things 819 00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:03,487 and they don't make any sense and they're funny? 820 00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:05,989 She was one of them. She said, 821 00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:11,655 "I thought I was gonna pee myself with laughing." 822 00:54:11,832 --> 00:54:16,372 And then she says, "And there were four lesbians beside me." 823 00:54:16,545 --> 00:54:19,003 [laughter] 824 00:54:19,173 --> 00:54:21,881 "And they seemed to enjoy themselves as well." 825 00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:24,007 [laughter] 826 00:54:30,684 --> 00:54:34,177 And I'm not the least bit surprised. 827 00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:36,345 I like lesbians. 828 00:54:36,523 --> 00:54:41,017 I'm very fond of lesbians and their lesbiations. 829 00:54:41,195 --> 00:54:42,356 [laughter] 830 00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,645 And long may they lesbiate. 831 00:54:45,866 --> 00:54:47,982 - You see... - [laughter] 832 00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:53,154 When I was young, when I was in my 20s, 833 00:54:53,332 --> 00:54:58,372 Oxfam did this thing of a yard of books. 834 00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:01,537 I've always been an avid reader, and Oxfam... 835 00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:06,380 Then I was kind of broke, and it was like 50p for a yard of books. 836 00:55:06,553 --> 00:55:10,717 But you had to take the yard. You had to just take whatever it was. 837 00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:16,682 You might end up with fucking Finnish crochet and stuff like that, 838 00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:19,973 and all that kind of shit, you know. 839 00:55:20,192 --> 00:55:23,230 But you just took what you got. Agatha Christie and all sorts of nonsense, 840 00:55:23,403 --> 00:55:26,646 and I learned so much and so much shite. 841 00:55:26,824 --> 00:55:30,613 But I got a book called The Well of Loneliness. 842 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,118 I was gonna say it's a lesbian book. There's no such thing. 843 00:55:33,288 --> 00:55:38,249 Books don't have gender. But it was all about lesbianism. 844 00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:41,786 It became quite a very famous book, The Well of Loneliness. 845 00:55:41,964 --> 00:55:44,922 And it's quite descriptive... 846 00:55:46,426 --> 00:55:50,795 ..of the lesbian sexual acts. 847 00:55:50,973 --> 00:55:53,089 [laughter] 848 00:55:54,101 --> 00:55:57,264 And that's when it dawned on me that I was a lesbian. 849 00:55:57,437 --> 00:55:59,519 [laughter] 850 00:56:05,070 --> 00:56:08,688 I've got nothing against that at all. 851 00:56:14,496 --> 00:56:17,989 That's New Zealand, that stuff, that Maori... 852 00:56:18,166 --> 00:56:20,282 Now, see this? 853 00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:23,919 The people who are close at the front, you can see the coloured bit here. 854 00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:26,171 That was the original there. 855 00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:31,051 It's... a bluebird, 856 00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:34,179 and it's on a red heart, 857 00:56:34,349 --> 00:56:38,013 and crossing the red heart, there's two ribbons. 858 00:56:38,186 --> 00:56:45,809 One says Pamela, and the other says December 4th 2000. 859 00:56:45,986 --> 00:56:48,819 That was the day I forgot my wife's birthday. 860 00:56:48,989 --> 00:56:51,071 [laughter] 861 00:56:58,832 --> 00:57:00,994 Can you see it? 862 00:57:03,170 --> 00:57:06,504 My daughter phoned me, Scarlett, and she said, "Do you know what day this is?" 863 00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:08,505 And I went, "Shit. Now I do." 864 00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:10,586 [laughter] 865 00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,594 I was in New York and my wife was in LA. Half an hour later... 866 00:57:13,805 --> 00:57:15,842 [drilling sound] 867 00:57:19,561 --> 00:57:24,556 I said, "I've got you a card, but I have to bring it with me." 868 00:57:24,733 --> 00:57:28,852 And she said, "That's fine." I got serious brownie points for that. 869 00:57:29,029 --> 00:57:31,236 Serious brownie points for that. 870 00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:35,240 Now, all this other stuff, I did a programme, 871 00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:38,027 one of those motorcycle tour ones I do, 872 00:57:38,205 --> 00:57:42,665 and I was in New Zealand quite recently, couple of... four or five years ago. 873 00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:44,830 And... 874 00:57:45,003 --> 00:57:46,664 Whatever, whatever. 875 00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:50,210 At my age, time means little. 876 00:57:50,384 --> 00:57:52,216 Little, little, little. 877 00:57:52,386 --> 00:57:55,629 All I know is, I'm closer to death than I am to birth. 878 00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:58,009 [laughter] 879 00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:02,723 And... Fucking time just goes, "Whoosh! Whoooo!" 880 00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:05,729 The older you get, the fucking faster it goes. 881 00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:08,231 Ssssssscht! People say, "The millennium." 882 00:58:08,402 --> 00:58:10,894 You say, "That was last Wednesday, wasn't it?" 883 00:58:11,071 --> 00:58:12,903 [laughter] 884 00:58:13,073 --> 00:58:14,563 Whoosh! 885 00:58:14,741 --> 00:58:16,732 Here's a year in my life. 886 00:58:16,910 --> 00:58:20,653 ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot 887 00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,163 ♪ Happy birthday to you 888 00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:25,742 ♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells 889 00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:28,251 ♪ Should auld acquaintance 890 00:58:28,422 --> 00:58:31,414 Fuck! Was that it? Was that it? 891 00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:40,969 Well, I went... During that tour I went to see a tattooist, 892 00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:45,637 a guy called Inia, which is the Maori for John, and... 893 00:58:45,814 --> 00:58:47,771 [laughter] 894 00:58:49,276 --> 00:58:51,267 Itis. Inia. 895 00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:55,609 And he has a company... "Moko" is a tattoo. 896 00:58:55,782 --> 00:58:58,149 So he has a company called Inia Moko. 897 00:58:58,326 --> 00:59:02,945 And "hello" is "kia ora", and so he would answer the phone... 898 00:59:03,123 --> 00:59:04,784 He's a really funny guy. 899 00:59:04,958 --> 00:59:09,122 His phone would go and he'd go, "Kia ora, Inia Moko. Can we hurt you?" 900 00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:10,912 [laughter] 901 00:59:11,089 --> 00:59:14,047 And he did the warrior face on me. 902 00:59:14,217 --> 00:59:17,300 He did all those designs for Once Were Warriors, 903 00:59:17,471 --> 00:59:20,304 you know, that movie, the New Zealand tattooed face. 904 00:59:20,474 --> 00:59:22,841 Well, he did my face with ink for the film. 905 00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:27,307 So the following day I went back and I said, "My wife's from New Zealand." 906 00:59:27,481 --> 00:59:30,815 "Could you do a New Zealand thing round this?" 907 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:32,816 And he said, "Sure." 908 00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:35,353 I didn't think it was gonna be... 909 00:59:35,530 --> 00:59:37,942 [laughter] 910 00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:42,485 I meant kind of round there. So it's a big bugger. 911 00:59:42,662 --> 00:59:46,496 But I'm delighted with it and it's lovely. 912 00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:50,330 What was I gonna fucking tell you about? Oh, aye. So while he... 913 00:59:50,504 --> 00:59:52,495 It takes a long time, all this, you know. 914 00:59:52,672 --> 00:59:53,833 [imitates tattoo needle] 915 00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:57,045 So you're a lot of talking and crying and screaming. 916 00:59:57,219 --> 00:59:59,927 - [laughter] - No, just talking a lot. 917 01:00:00,097 --> 01:00:02,179 And we're talking about tattoos. 918 01:00:02,349 --> 01:00:05,387 And I was talking about a tattoo competition 919 01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,847 that I had heard on the radio in Los Angeles. 920 01:00:08,021 --> 01:00:12,231 Now, it sounds ridiculous to have a tattoo competition on the radio, 921 01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:14,232 unless, of course, you're British. 922 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,520 And I was brought up with radio, so I've heard all sorts... 923 01:00:17,697 --> 01:00:22,362 I've heard trapeze artists on the radio, magicians... 924 01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:25,198 [whooshing noises] 925 01:00:25,372 --> 01:00:29,081 I've heard it all, I swear. British rad... 926 01:00:29,251 --> 01:00:34,087 When I was a child, and you can check out with people my age, 927 01:00:34,256 --> 01:00:37,044 there was a radio ventriloquist. 928 01:00:37,217 --> 01:00:38,378 [laughter] 929 01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:47,050 Peter Brough was his name, and the doll's name was Archie Andrews. 930 01:00:47,227 --> 01:00:49,559 "Hello, Archie. Hello, Peter." 931 01:00:49,729 --> 01:00:51,015 [laughter] 932 01:00:51,148 --> 01:00:54,391 You dinnae know if his mouth was moving or not. 933 01:00:54,568 --> 01:00:56,605 It was probably two guys in the studio. 934 01:00:56,778 --> 01:01:01,067 "Hello, Archie." "Hello, Peter." "How you doing?" 935 01:01:01,241 --> 01:01:04,905 "What a bunch of wankers they are listening to this." "I know." 936 01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:07,744 That's the truth. 937 01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:10,906 Do you know what I've heard on the radio? A bonfire. 938 01:01:11,084 --> 01:01:13,246 [laughter] 939 01:01:13,420 --> 01:01:17,914 It was the Queen's Jubilee. They had a Queen's Jubilee bonfire. 940 01:01:18,091 --> 01:01:22,130 They had little beacons all right along Britain, 941 01:01:22,304 --> 01:01:25,422 beacons being lit, and it ended up with a big bonfire somewhere in the south. 942 01:01:25,599 --> 01:01:28,591 And they said, "And over to the Queen's bonfire." 943 01:01:28,768 --> 01:01:31,556 Ccssshh! 944 01:01:31,730 --> 01:01:36,941 I'm sure it was a guy with a bag of crisps next to the microphone like that. 945 01:01:37,110 --> 01:01:40,728 So, anyway, I... 946 01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:43,739 British radio, it's fucking fabulous. 947 01:01:47,454 --> 01:01:50,446 So, anyway, what am I fucking talking about? 948 01:01:51,625 --> 01:01:56,290 Oh, aye, I'm talking about tattooists, about this competition, 949 01:01:56,463 --> 01:01:58,500 which I heard in Los Angeles. 950 01:01:58,673 --> 01:02:02,086 And you had to phone in and say what your tattoo was 951 01:02:02,219 --> 01:02:04,130 and were judged on how funny it was. 952 01:02:04,304 --> 01:02:09,845 And a black girl won, and she had the Tasmanian devil tattooed here, 953 01:02:10,018 --> 01:02:14,012 on her belly, you know the cartoon one, the Tasmanian devil. 954 01:02:14,189 --> 01:02:15,304 [growls] 955 01:02:15,482 --> 01:02:21,319 And he had a... a lawnmower like this. 956 01:02:21,488 --> 01:02:24,230 And she would shave a wee strip... 957 01:02:24,449 --> 01:02:26,406 [laughter] 958 01:02:26,576 --> 01:02:29,193 ..of her pubic hair that he had just done. 959 01:02:29,371 --> 01:02:31,487 [laughter] 960 01:02:32,707 --> 01:02:37,042 And she was the winner. Of course, you didn't get to see it or anything. 961 01:02:37,212 --> 01:02:40,000 And we were laughing and talking and I said to him, 962 01:02:40,173 --> 01:02:44,508 "What's the funniest one you ever saw?" And he said, "Well, funnily enough, 963 01:02:44,678 --> 01:02:48,512 I didn't see the one that I found the funniest either." 964 01:02:48,682 --> 01:02:53,643 And he said he had been to a tattoo convention in Hong Kong... 965 01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:57,851 If you ever see a tattoo convention advertised, go. 966 01:02:58,024 --> 01:03:00,766 You will feel so fucking beige. 967 01:03:00,944 --> 01:03:02,855 [laughter] 968 01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,363 There are ways to unbeige yourself, 969 01:03:07,534 --> 01:03:10,117 and one of them is go to a tattoo convention, 970 01:03:10,328 --> 01:03:13,195 'cause that establishes how beige you are. 971 01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:19,369 You go, "Oh, for fuck's sake, I am so fucking beige." 972 01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:23,255 "I'm... Beige people think I'm fucking beige." 973 01:03:23,425 --> 01:03:27,714 "I'm a beigeist. I'm a fully qualified beigeist." 974 01:03:27,887 --> 01:03:31,050 And there are many ways and many, many... 975 01:03:31,224 --> 01:03:34,933 There are acts you can do. You don't need to get scarred for life. 976 01:03:35,103 --> 01:03:38,141 You don't need to get pierced. There are things you can do. 977 01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,898 Here's a great one. 978 01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,559 The beige... 979 01:03:43,737 --> 01:03:48,197 The beige society, they always love to have buffets. 980 01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:49,822 Salad buffets. 981 01:03:50,035 --> 01:03:54,745 Edinburgh Festival is fucking awash with salad buffets at lunchtime. 982 01:03:54,914 --> 01:03:59,329 "Come to a salad buffet with the lord and lady mayor, 983 01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:02,745 and we'll have a salad buffet and we'll talk shite all morning." 984 01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:04,378 [laughter] 985 01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:09,968 "We'll all try and look artistic. Bring your corduroy trousers." 986 01:04:10,138 --> 01:04:14,302 It makes you look artistic. "You wear fucking corduroy and a cardigan, 987 01:04:14,476 --> 01:04:17,343 and some corduroys and lots of fucking pamphlets, 988 01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:20,475 and sit around with one leg going round the other one twice." 989 01:04:20,648 --> 01:04:23,231 "That's terribly fucking artistic." 990 01:04:23,943 --> 01:04:27,026 "And we'll bore each other shiteless about art." 991 01:04:27,906 --> 01:04:29,772 And... 992 01:04:32,202 --> 01:04:36,787 "And we'll have a salad buffet, a salad buffet." 993 01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:40,574 Well, I went to one of these. They're fucking impossible things. 994 01:04:40,710 --> 01:04:42,542 'Cause they give you it on a paper plate. 995 01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:46,247 You get your tomatoes and your wee radish and your spring onion 996 01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:49,296 and your bits and pieces and you get this fucking bendy plate. 997 01:04:49,469 --> 01:04:51,506 You spend the whole day trying to balance the food 998 01:04:51,679 --> 01:04:53,511 from rolling off the plate. 999 01:04:53,681 --> 01:04:56,139 And then you get a drink that you can't fucking balance 1000 01:04:56,309 --> 01:04:59,472 'cause you're trying to balance your fucking tomato on here, 1001 01:04:59,646 --> 01:05:02,559 trying to watch that and drink this. 1002 01:05:04,192 --> 01:05:07,810 Here's what you do to unbeige the entire event, 1003 01:05:07,987 --> 01:05:11,025 and it was shown to me by three fabulous actors 1004 01:05:11,199 --> 01:05:13,406 who are still my pals today. 1005 01:05:13,576 --> 01:05:19,447 You get the plate of buffet, and you get the drink. 1006 01:05:19,624 --> 01:05:22,457 The first thing you do is fucking drink the drink. 1007 01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:23,666 [gulps] 1008 01:05:23,837 --> 01:05:26,044 Put the glass down. 1009 01:05:26,214 --> 01:05:29,673 Now you get together 1010 01:05:29,843 --> 01:05:35,054 in a sort of horseshoe shape at the buffet table, 1011 01:05:35,223 --> 01:05:36,713 so as to cover each other. 1012 01:05:36,891 --> 01:05:39,349 You can't be seen from behind. 1013 01:05:39,519 --> 01:05:44,514 You whip out your willy and you put it on the plate. 1014 01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:46,022 [laughter] 1015 01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:51,028 You then get plenty of salad stuff... 1016 01:05:51,197 --> 01:05:53,313 [laughter] 1017 01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:57,734 But not a big mountain. 1018 01:05:57,912 --> 01:06:00,119 The trick is not to hide your willy, 1019 01:06:00,331 --> 01:06:03,449 it's to have it lurking in the undergrowth. 1020 01:06:03,668 --> 01:06:05,705 [laughter] 1021 01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:10,877 - A bit of olive oil. - [laughter] 1022 01:06:12,552 --> 01:06:16,136 Don't even think about the balsamic vinegar. 1023 01:06:16,347 --> 01:06:17,883 [laughter] 1024 01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:21,300 Your eyes'll be crossed for fucking years. 1025 01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:25,433 Oh! Oh! 1026 01:06:25,607 --> 01:06:29,145 The only cure is to shove your willy through your legs, 1027 01:06:29,319 --> 01:06:31,777 like that guy in Silence of the Lambs, 1028 01:06:31,946 --> 01:06:35,155 make yourself a mangina. 1029 01:06:35,366 --> 01:06:37,152 Oh! 1030 01:06:37,327 --> 01:06:41,787 Turn round and get your mate behind you with a fucking fire extinguisher. 1031 01:06:41,956 --> 01:06:44,789 Oh! Oh! 1032 01:06:44,959 --> 01:06:47,075 So... 1033 01:06:47,253 --> 01:06:49,290 [laughter] 1034 01:06:50,465 --> 01:06:54,379 So you've got it here, and then you mingle. 1035 01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:56,673 [laughter] 1036 01:06:57,430 --> 01:07:01,424 Mm. Very good. 1037 01:07:02,602 --> 01:07:04,764 I saw your show last night. 1038 01:07:04,938 --> 01:07:07,270 It was excellent. 1039 01:07:07,440 --> 01:07:11,809 Who designed that show? I thought the design was extraordinary. 1040 01:07:12,946 --> 01:07:15,187 You should be so proud, my God. 1041 01:07:16,282 --> 01:07:20,196 And I believe you put it on for a pound fifty for the whole show? 1042 01:07:20,370 --> 01:07:23,112 It didn't show. It was excellent. 1043 01:07:23,289 --> 01:07:25,951 I thought... Mm-hm. Who wrote the songs? 1044 01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:32,246 You see, and then you dare each other to go and talk to... 1045 01:07:32,382 --> 01:07:34,794 You pick the victim for your friend. 1046 01:07:34,968 --> 01:07:37,050 You go, "Right, you, talk to..." 1047 01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:39,629 - "Oh, fuck off." - [laughter] 1048 01:07:39,806 --> 01:07:44,846 See, it might be... 'Cause they get big shots there. It might be Sophia Loren. 1049 01:07:45,019 --> 01:07:48,978 "Right, go and talk to Sophia." "I'm not fucking talking to..." 1050 01:07:49,148 --> 01:07:52,812 "You must. It's part of the game, you beige bastard." 1051 01:07:52,986 --> 01:07:55,774 "OK, OK." [mutters] 1052 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,237 [laughter] 1053 01:07:59,659 --> 01:08:01,991 You see people panicking halfway there 1054 01:08:02,161 --> 01:08:05,654 and ramming it into their trousers and zipping up. 1055 01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:09,370 Then they've got that unique walk, 1056 01:08:09,544 --> 01:08:12,286 the olive oil cascading down their inside leg. 1057 01:08:12,463 --> 01:08:14,374 [laughter] 1058 01:08:21,889 --> 01:08:25,678 She said, "Right, go and talk to the lady mayoress." 1059 01:08:27,687 --> 01:08:30,349 "And talk about salad." "Oh, come on." 1060 01:08:30,523 --> 01:08:31,684 [laughter] 1061 01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:34,145 "You must." "OK. Fuck it." 1062 01:08:34,319 --> 01:08:36,356 [laughter] 1063 01:08:41,868 --> 01:08:43,484 Hello, Lady Mayoress. 1064 01:08:45,705 --> 01:08:48,367 The caterers have done us proud, haven't they? 1065 01:08:48,541 --> 01:08:50,623 [laughter] 1066 01:08:52,211 --> 01:08:55,420 You have to watch for those wee white plastic forks. 1067 01:08:56,883 --> 01:09:01,093 They're unbelievably sharp 1068 01:09:01,262 --> 01:09:07,258 and very weak at the neck where it joins the body, you know? 1069 01:09:07,435 --> 01:09:12,225 Because I actually hit John Gielgud in the neck with a new potato. 1070 01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:14,435 Stabbed it and it went... 1071 01:09:15,443 --> 01:09:17,559 [laughter] 1072 01:09:20,114 --> 01:09:23,732 "Oh, what on earth happened there?" 1073 01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:27,281 "They're fucking everywhere." 1074 01:09:29,582 --> 01:09:32,791 Yes, the caterers have done us proud. It's a lovely salad. 1075 01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:36,078 You can see the lady mayoress going, "Yes." 1076 01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,292 [laughter] 1077 01:09:42,178 --> 01:09:45,671 I was banned from the Traverse Theatre in Edinburgh 1078 01:09:45,890 --> 01:09:47,847 for having my willy in a gin and tonic. 1079 01:09:48,017 --> 01:09:49,928 - That's taking it... - [laughter] 1080 01:09:50,103 --> 01:09:52,765 That's taking it a bit far. 1081 01:09:55,608 --> 01:09:58,316 But beigeness must be confronted. 1082 01:09:59,070 --> 01:10:01,607 Shit. I was trying not to be thrown out. 1083 01:10:01,781 --> 01:10:03,738 That's right, throw me out! 1084 01:10:03,866 --> 01:10:07,609 You didn't know I was disabled! That's how I drink! 1085 01:10:07,787 --> 01:10:09,903 [laughter] 1086 01:10:16,129 --> 01:10:20,293 You can see the lady mayoress checking you out, like... 1087 01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:25,176 And you can see the thought bubble, you can see her thought bubble saying, 1088 01:10:25,346 --> 01:10:28,008 "I didn't see sausage rolls when I was there." 1089 01:10:28,182 --> 01:10:30,344 [laughter] 1090 01:10:30,518 --> 01:10:34,477 Now, you have to beware of the fork making a fucking... 1091 01:10:34,647 --> 01:10:38,515 'Cause jealousy knows no bounds, you know. 1092 01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:41,651 She might try and whip your own fucking willy off the plate 1093 01:10:41,821 --> 01:10:43,983 with a white plastic fork. 1094 01:10:44,157 --> 01:10:46,865 Oh! Oh! 1095 01:10:47,034 --> 01:10:50,277 You'll end up with a row of wee holes along your willy. 1096 01:10:50,413 --> 01:10:54,281 You'll be pissing like a fountain for the rest of your life. 1097 01:10:54,417 --> 01:10:56,374 Psshhh! 1098 01:10:56,544 --> 01:11:00,003 You'll have to go and see specialists. 1099 01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:03,711 Not medical ones. Probably clarinet players. 1100 01:11:03,885 --> 01:11:06,297 Show you how to hold it when you're having a piss. 1101 01:11:08,639 --> 01:11:10,050 Oh! So, anyway... 1102 01:11:11,100 --> 01:11:12,841 my sister told me this. 1103 01:11:15,188 --> 01:11:20,058 And she swears that it's true, and I hope it's true, 1104 01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:23,192 and if I tell it right, you will hope it's true. 1105 01:11:24,280 --> 01:11:28,194 My sister is a retired school teacher 1106 01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:34,534 and she supplies herself to people who don't have teachers. 1107 01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:36,698 She's a supply teacher. 1108 01:11:36,876 --> 01:11:40,835 When somebody is sick or dead, she'll supply herself. 1109 01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:42,749 [laughter] 1110 01:11:42,924 --> 01:11:46,212 And a lot of her friends do this as well. 1111 01:11:46,385 --> 01:11:50,128 And her friend told her this story. 1112 01:11:50,306 --> 01:11:56,598 And when she told me the story, I thought I would pee myself. 1113 01:11:56,771 --> 01:12:00,435 I was in New York, where I live, and she phoned me, and I fell on... 1114 01:12:00,608 --> 01:12:03,726 My phone's next to my bed. I fell onto my bed. 1115 01:12:03,903 --> 01:12:07,237 You know that way you laugh, your legs won't work right? 1116 01:12:07,406 --> 01:12:11,115 And I told my wife, I said, "Flo just told me the funniest story." 1117 01:12:11,285 --> 01:12:15,074 "I'm going to tell my audiences. It's about a dwarf." 1118 01:12:15,248 --> 01:12:17,580 And she said, "Oh, you can't, Billy." 1119 01:12:19,585 --> 01:12:23,579 "You can't. You can't do that." I said, "Why?" 1120 01:12:24,757 --> 01:12:29,126 She said, "Cause you can't... you can't say dwarf." 1121 01:12:29,303 --> 01:12:33,262 I said, "Why the fuck not? I'll be talking about a dwarf." 1122 01:12:33,432 --> 01:12:37,801 "Surely you can say dwarf when it's a dwarf you're talking about." 1123 01:12:37,979 --> 01:12:40,095 [laughter] 1124 01:12:43,276 --> 01:12:45,688 She says, "They're little people." 1125 01:12:49,073 --> 01:12:53,738 I said, "But little people and dwarfs, 1126 01:12:53,870 --> 01:12:57,113 there's a difference between a little person and a dwarf." 1127 01:12:57,290 --> 01:12:59,156 "One of them's a fucking dwarf." 1128 01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:01,449 [laughter] 1129 01:13:03,796 --> 01:13:06,458 "And they both know which one it fucking is." 1130 01:13:06,632 --> 01:13:08,999 [laughter] 1131 01:13:09,176 --> 01:13:11,634 "Don't give me that shite." 1132 01:13:15,349 --> 01:13:17,465 So I decided to tell it. 1133 01:13:18,561 --> 01:13:24,648 Her friend was going to supply herself 1134 01:13:24,817 --> 01:13:27,605 to a school somewhere. 1135 01:13:27,737 --> 01:13:30,149 And she got on a Glasgow bus. 1136 01:13:30,323 --> 01:13:32,405 Oh, please be true. 1137 01:13:33,659 --> 01:13:39,200 And she sat down, and it just happened to be the last seat. 1138 01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:44,334 And the bus took off and trundled off into the day. 1139 01:13:44,503 --> 01:13:50,840 Four or five stops later, the bus stops and a wee dwarf woman comes on. 1140 01:13:51,844 --> 01:13:54,836 I've now compounded the felony by calling her a wee dwarf. 1141 01:13:55,014 --> 01:13:56,925 [laughter] 1142 01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:59,386 She wasn't a particularly small dwarf. 1143 01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:01,517 [laughter] 1144 01:14:01,687 --> 01:14:05,055 She was just a dwarf-sized dwarf. 1145 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:10,686 I'll probably get all sorts of complaints now. 1146 01:14:10,863 --> 01:14:14,731 "Dear Mr Connolly. I saw your otherwise excellent show." 1147 01:14:14,909 --> 01:14:19,028 "What a pity you descended to the dwarf story." 1148 01:14:19,205 --> 01:14:20,695 [laughter] 1149 01:14:20,873 --> 01:14:25,868 "I personally am a member of the Tall Dwarf Society." 1150 01:14:26,045 --> 01:14:28,127 [laughter] 1151 01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:34,214 "I'm six foot four and proud to call myself a dwarf." 1152 01:14:40,559 --> 01:14:44,393 "I also do impersonations of chocolate biscuits if you're ever stuck." 1153 01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:49,148 Anyway, the wee woman got on the bus, the wee dwarf woman, 1154 01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:51,776 and discovered there was no seat 1155 01:14:51,946 --> 01:14:57,612 and so hung on to whatever was nearest, the seat or the pole or whatever, 1156 01:14:57,785 --> 01:14:59,901 and the bus took off. 1157 01:15:01,414 --> 01:15:05,282 There was a wee schoolgirl in a school uniform sitting over here, 1158 01:15:05,459 --> 01:15:08,747 probably urged along by her mother, "Give the woman your seat." 1159 01:15:08,921 --> 01:15:11,253 "Give the woman your seat." 1160 01:15:11,424 --> 01:15:14,416 She went over to the wee dwarf woman and she said, 1161 01:15:14,593 --> 01:15:18,257 "Excuse me. Would you like to have my seat?" 1162 01:15:18,431 --> 01:15:22,971 Whereupon the wee dwarf woman flew into a rage 1163 01:15:23,144 --> 01:15:28,605 and said, "Oh, aye? Because I'm a dwarf, you're offering me a seat." 1164 01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,606 "Simply because I'm a dwarf." 1165 01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:34,189 "Well, I have managed my whole life as a dwarf." 1166 01:15:34,405 --> 01:15:38,945 "It's not a problem to me. Keep your seat!" 1167 01:15:39,118 --> 01:15:44,113 The girl, cringing with embarrassment, went back to her seat 1168 01:15:44,290 --> 01:15:50,627 and the bus trundled on in silent embarrassment for a stop or three. 1169 01:15:50,796 --> 01:15:53,959 Then... Please be true. 1170 01:15:54,133 --> 01:15:56,249 [laughter] 1171 01:15:58,179 --> 01:16:01,137 A big Glasgow woman was getting off the bus. 1172 01:16:02,641 --> 01:16:07,135 And before she went up to the door, she went over to the wee dwarf woman. 1173 01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:10,479 [laughter] 1174 01:16:15,529 --> 01:16:21,150 She said, "I'm getting off the bus and I'm leaving my empty seat here." 1175 01:16:21,327 --> 01:16:25,992 "Because I'm a dwarf..." "No, not because you're a dwarf." 1176 01:16:26,165 --> 01:16:28,827 "Because you're another human being." 1177 01:16:29,001 --> 01:16:32,665 "I happen to be leaving the bus. My seat is vacant." 1178 01:16:32,838 --> 01:16:37,503 "I'm merely pointing it out to you that it exists." 1179 01:16:37,676 --> 01:16:44,048 "As a matter of fact, I thought you were extremely rude to that wee girl 1180 01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:46,512 and you owe her an apology." 1181 01:16:46,685 --> 01:16:50,553 "As a matter of fact, I hope when you go home tonight, 1182 01:16:50,731 --> 01:16:54,190 Snow White kicks your arse." 1183 01:16:54,360 --> 01:16:56,397 [laughter and applause] 1184 01:17:13,546 --> 01:17:15,708 Don't you hope it's true? 1185 01:17:15,881 --> 01:17:17,417 [laughter] 1186 01:17:20,886 --> 01:17:21,717 Well, listen... 1187 01:17:22,972 --> 01:17:24,963 we're kind of finished now, so... 1188 01:17:25,391 --> 01:17:29,555 But before I go, I'm gonna... Shut the fuck up and do as you're told. 1189 01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:32,436 I'll be the judge of when this finishes. 1190 01:17:32,606 --> 01:17:35,018 Had you not shouted out place names, 1191 01:17:35,151 --> 01:17:38,109 I would have gone on for another five hours. 1192 01:17:38,279 --> 01:17:40,395 [laughter and whooping] 1193 01:17:43,742 --> 01:17:47,406 - Before I left New York to come here... - [man cheers] 1194 01:17:47,580 --> 01:17:49,241 I was... 1195 01:17:49,415 --> 01:17:51,907 [applause] 1196 01:17:53,294 --> 01:17:55,410 Fucking boom! 1197 01:17:56,338 --> 01:17:58,796 He walked right into it. 1198 01:17:59,967 --> 01:18:02,584 [laughter] 1199 01:18:04,889 --> 01:18:08,632 Oh, that's... Well spotted. 1200 01:18:13,939 --> 01:18:15,555 A guy told me a joke. 1201 01:18:15,733 --> 01:18:20,978 I go to a cigar store and we sit and sort the world out. 1202 01:18:21,155 --> 01:18:25,524 I'm not telling you where it is 'cause you'll come and spoil it. 1203 01:18:25,701 --> 01:18:30,161 And there's very funny men go there. Some of them are not very funny. 1204 01:18:30,331 --> 01:18:34,290 And some of them are funny because they're not funny. 1205 01:18:34,460 --> 01:18:39,125 There's a guy goes there called Taxi, and I swear it's true, 1206 01:18:39,298 --> 01:18:41,130 they talked about him a lot before he arrived. 1207 01:18:41,300 --> 01:18:43,507 I didn't meet him for the first five or six weeks. 1208 01:18:43,677 --> 01:18:46,669 And then they said, "Hey, Bill, here's Taxi. Here's Taxi coming." 1209 01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,465 They call him Taxi 'cause he's been driving a taxi for about 37 years. 1210 01:18:50,643 --> 01:18:52,805 And this guy talks to you like that. 1211 01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:57,688 "Hello, Bill. How you doing? How's your mother?" 1212 01:18:57,858 --> 01:18:59,974 [laughter] 1213 01:19:01,237 --> 01:19:06,858 Like if you met face to face, like that, "Hello, Billy. How's your mother?" 1214 01:19:07,034 --> 01:19:10,322 "How's the family?" Fucking taxi driver. 1215 01:19:11,830 --> 01:19:15,073 There's a lot of daft buggers go in there, but... 1216 01:19:15,292 --> 01:19:19,502 but one of them's an Irish guy and he's an estate agent. 1217 01:19:19,672 --> 01:19:22,505 He sells houses and flats and stuff. 1218 01:19:22,675 --> 01:19:25,713 And he never struck me as being particularly funny before. 1219 01:19:25,886 --> 01:19:29,720 Usually we talk about Manchester United. He's a Manchester United... 1220 01:19:29,890 --> 01:19:31,346 - [cheering] - He's... 1221 01:19:31,517 --> 01:19:34,805 - [booing] - He's a Manchester United supporter. 1222 01:19:34,979 --> 01:19:37,562 You don't need to say any more, really, do you? 1223 01:19:37,731 --> 01:19:42,316 They're the same all over the world. "Fucking Manchester United." 1224 01:19:42,486 --> 01:19:45,854 "Fucking United... Fucking United... Fucking United..." 1225 01:19:46,031 --> 01:19:49,865 He knows fuck all about anything else, any other team. 1226 01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:51,901 So I talk to him about Manchester United. 1227 01:19:52,079 --> 01:19:54,366 But I like him very much, he's a nice man, 1228 01:19:54,540 --> 01:19:58,909 and he told me this story, and I love it, 1229 01:19:59,086 --> 01:20:00,918 and I've been trying it out on people. 1230 01:20:01,088 --> 01:20:03,705 And I don't know, I thought it wouldn't last this long. 1231 01:20:03,882 --> 01:20:06,749 I thought maybe it would only last a couple of days since I was here 1232 01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:08,383 and then it would be everywhere. 1233 01:20:08,554 --> 01:20:11,592 So if you've heard it, shut up till I'm finished. 1234 01:20:11,765 --> 01:20:14,757 If you haven't heard it, sit back and enjoy yourself. 1235 01:20:14,935 --> 01:20:21,523 There's a couple in bed in their house. The rain is lashing down. 1236 01:20:21,650 --> 01:20:25,234 It's half past three in the morning, four o'clock in the morning. 1237 01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:28,362 The rain is lashing against the house. 1238 01:20:28,490 --> 01:20:32,199 The thunder is crashing and the lightning is flashing. 1239 01:20:32,369 --> 01:20:35,953 All the ashes are happening, flash, crash, lash. 1240 01:20:36,123 --> 01:20:38,785 Cssshh! Cssshh! Cssshh! 1241 01:20:38,959 --> 01:20:43,624 And the man's lying beside his wife and he's feeling very comfortable. 1242 01:20:43,797 --> 01:20:45,128 They've got their duvet. 1243 01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:50,044 They're lying there comfortable and, ooh, happy, happy. 1244 01:20:50,220 --> 01:20:53,929 The comfort you get when you're in a storm outside the house 1245 01:20:54,099 --> 01:20:57,091 and you're in your b... Oh, happy, happy. 1246 01:20:57,269 --> 01:21:00,432 Suddenly there's a thunderous knock on the door. 1247 01:21:03,442 --> 01:21:05,479 [gabbles] 1248 01:21:08,947 --> 01:21:11,279 Who the fuck is that? 1249 01:21:13,118 --> 01:21:16,201 Shh! Just keep quiet. They'll go away eventually. 1250 01:21:18,123 --> 01:21:19,613 [gabbles] 1251 01:21:23,962 --> 01:21:27,171 Fuck, I'm not opening the door to that crazy bum. 1252 01:21:28,801 --> 01:21:32,169 The guy's wife says, "You'd better open the door. It might be the police." 1253 01:21:32,346 --> 01:21:36,305 "It might be some tragic news. It might be something really, really..." 1254 01:21:36,475 --> 01:21:39,809 "Something awful has happened that we should know about." 1255 01:21:39,978 --> 01:21:41,844 "It sounds really urgent." 1256 01:21:42,022 --> 01:21:44,889 "Oh, for fuck's sake." 1257 01:21:45,109 --> 01:21:48,693 So he gets up, his jeans and his T-shirt and his slippers 1258 01:21:48,862 --> 01:21:50,444 and he goes down and he opens the door. 1259 01:21:50,572 --> 01:21:52,904 Ccccrrrr! Cccecrrrr! 1260 01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:57,319 There's a guy standing there sodden from head to foot, 1261 01:21:57,496 --> 01:21:59,203 soaking wet. 1262 01:21:59,373 --> 01:22:03,332 "Oh, man, you've gotta help me. I'm so stuck." 1263 01:22:03,502 --> 01:22:08,497 "I really need a push. You've gotta help me, man. I'm really, really stuck." 1264 01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:13,043 "Do I look like the RAC? Do I look like the fucking AA?" 1265 01:22:13,220 --> 01:22:15,382 "Fuck off!" 1266 01:22:15,556 --> 01:22:16,717 Ccccrrrr! 1267 01:22:16,890 --> 01:22:19,757 "Stuck. Fucking stuck." 1268 01:22:19,935 --> 01:22:22,347 He's away to bed. His wife said, "Who was it?" 1269 01:22:22,521 --> 01:22:26,185 "Some prick that was stuck, says he needs a push." 1270 01:22:26,358 --> 01:22:29,601 "I told him to phone the fucking RAC or the AA." 1271 01:22:29,778 --> 01:22:32,236 "Oh, for God's sake. You didn't?" 1272 01:22:32,406 --> 01:22:36,570 "Course I fucking did." "Oh, for God's..." 1273 01:22:36,743 --> 01:22:39,075 "You've got a short memory." "What?" 1274 01:22:39,246 --> 01:22:41,704 "Don't you remember just last summer when we were on holiday?" 1275 01:22:41,874 --> 01:22:43,831 "We were stuck on the motorway with a puncture." 1276 01:22:43,959 --> 01:22:48,578 "A total stranger in a rainstorm stopped and fixed our puncture 1277 01:22:48,755 --> 01:22:51,042 and sent us on our way, don't even remember his name." 1278 01:22:51,216 --> 01:22:52,752 "Now, it's our duty to pass that on." 1279 01:22:52,926 --> 01:22:57,591 "It's your spiritual duty as a human being, as a humanitarian act, 1280 01:22:57,764 --> 01:23:02,383 to pass that along, for God's sake." 1281 01:23:02,561 --> 01:23:06,179 "Oh, for fuck's sake. OK." 1282 01:23:06,315 --> 01:23:09,307 He gets out of bed, gets into his jeans, 1283 01:23:09,526 --> 01:23:12,518 puts his T-shirt on and his slippers and away downstairs. 1284 01:23:12,654 --> 01:23:16,238 Opens the door. Ccccrrrr! Ccccrrrr! 1285 01:23:16,408 --> 01:23:19,241 The guy's not there any more. "Where are you?!" 1286 01:23:19,411 --> 01:23:22,073 "Where the fuck are you?!" 1287 01:23:22,247 --> 01:23:26,241 "The guy who's stuck and needs a push! Where are you?!" 1288 01:23:26,418 --> 01:23:30,912 "I'm over here, on the swing!" 1289 01:23:41,475 --> 01:23:44,558 Thank you very much and good night. 1290 01:23:44,728 --> 01:23:46,389 [cheering and applause] 1291 01:24:00,452 --> 01:24:02,534 Thank you! 1292 01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:04,786 [applause continues] 1293 01:24:20,389 --> 01:24:23,006 Thank you very much. See you later, guys. 1294 01:24:23,183 --> 01:24:28,974 Happy birthday. Are you 21? Happy birthday. Well done.